I Killed Sanity

I saw him last Friday night at the bar where the crew is always at and I saw him with his girls and I froze for a moment and I was shaking and right after the bar tender gave me my jager shot, I drank it and left that bar.

We moved to a different bar and after a few hours I went home okay, I fell asleep without crying and next thing I know he’s at my place and telling me he’s not staying because his so cool female friends are waiting and he’s confused! Confused?!?! what the fuck? That’s the only thing he can say to me? He’s fucking confused!?!

He told me he went home with a girl and ended up taking the girl to a cab and getting a cab for himself to come over to me, and I asked him to fuck off. But he knows I want him to stay! I don’t know why we keep hurting each other!

I miss him so bad it stings, and what hurts the most is that we slept together and he’s not holding me, he always holds me in my sleep but we were like just two stranger sleeping in the same bed, and I just wanted to be around his arms again

I don’t know why is he acting like this, is he trying to get back at me because of S? What are we doing?!?!

I wanted to talk to you and ask you to see me as a friend seeking for your advice like any of your other female friends who confides in you, and I’ll tell you our whole complicated situation, that I’m so in love with you, and it was fun but I’m hurting now, I wonder if you’ll tell me to walk away too.

I hate how he holds me and tell me I’m not okay and then still ask me why I’m sad when it’s needless to explain because we already talked about it.  He knows why but he wants me to talk and I just can’t and as always, I feel like I’m gonna burst into tears.

When he asked me if I’m happy with him I hated myself because I can’t even give him an answer. I don’t understand why is he giving me a hard time when he can’t even tell me how he feels about me.

He keeps asking about S and who is he to tell me that S is his business because S is my business!?  I know his only concern is me and I really appreciate that, but I just need him to let me go as I never thought it will be this hard to let go of him and it’s not helping when he still tries to hold me and kiss me and whisper to my ears it’s gonna be okay because it’s not fucking okay!

I thought holding on makes me strong, but now I think it is letting go…

Tuesday,  I was one hour late and he was patiently waiting, we had coffee and chatted for a while then had dinner and came home for a bottle of wine with one of my good friend and separated ways at 1AM!  I even had to ask him to leave!

Good Friday. I thought it’s interesting, I was working and he picked me up at work, we went home to put down my things and walked our way to Joo Chiat for Vietnamese food and then watched “The Vow”, then meet up with friends at pigeonhole for some local band and beers, then cheese prata for supper!  I had fun although we both are not feeling well and kept coughing, it was fun.  I can’t remember when was the last time I went on a proper date and really enjoyed it!

He’s so nice and so sweet and he pays too much attention. He wants to be with me all the time,  I don’t know if this will flatter me or freak me out.

The only good thing is that he makes me not think about the other guy.  I’ll spend the whole weekend with him as he wished, I wonder where this will lead, love his OZ accent though, I think it’s cute!

“So how come when I reach out my fingers it seems like more than distance between us?”

Music always express feelings I can’t!  This Rihinna song has been replaying on my iTunes the whole day.

He got me discombobulated!  I feel stuck in a situation and I can’t seem to do anything to get out of it, maybe because a big part of me doesn’t want to.  It’s exhausting because it runs through my thoughts all day everyday, I can’t even have a decent sleep! I would find myself waking up on wee hours and stare into space thinking about him and what to do. I know I said I don’t want anything, no commitments, no strings attached and whatnot!  But it’s been a year, and ever since I’ve met him I’ve pushed him away and I can’t grasp why we are still in this situation!  Something changed definitely because we’ve seen each other more often since he and I came back from Christmas break.  I’m getting way too attached and I don’t like it but still I can’t seem to quit him! My mind says I must quit it now before I drown myself but my heart is just stupid, as always!

And there’s this wonderful guy who really wants to be with me and he’s very sweet, he freaks me out a little because if time permits he wants to see me everyday and he is always too early for our date and he doesn’t seem to mind if I make him wait.  I like him, he’s very nice but whenever I’m with him the thought of this other guy will just suddenly creeps in and it will make me feel this guilt which I shouldn’t because we are really not together so technically I can date any guy I want.

This freaking “friends with benefits” never works! Someone will always have to fall, and in this case, it’s me.  I remember the first we’ve met, he even asked me what if he wants me forever, but I don’t want to assume on things, although he keeps telling me he cares, and I definitely don’t want to ask questions! Oh yeah I am that proud!

This is emotional torture and I just can’t quit! So how?

I’m flying back home tonight and I don’t even feel excited! I still haven’t finished packing yet, I don’t even know what to pack!

I am excited to see my little girl but not Manila, I’m too afraid my asthma will go crazy again and I’ll just lock myself in my room just like what happened last december!

It’s Maisie’s 7th birthday on 28th, and if there’s one thing I promised her, is that I will never miss any of her birthday so for the past two years that we are separated, I make sure I go home for her birthday, last year she celebrated it here in SG.

I feel like she is being spoiled way too much.  She had this grand birthday party last Sunday on her father side and I’ll bring her to disneyland and celebrate the exact date of her birthday there.  I just want to make her feel so loved and I hope she get through her depression soon.  I had so much plan and I still have so much plan. But like the psychiatrist said, I need to eat my pride and just focus on what’s best for her.

My Mom told me my future “ex” mother-in-law wants to meet me in person.  I’ve never met her in person.  I used to talk to her on phone and emails but that’s the closest relationship I had with her.  If I see her in person it’s gonna be weird! But my mom said she’s really eager to meet me.  I hope she’s not expecting that I still have feelings for his son.

There’s a lot to look forward during this trip, one is going to the court to finally give my testimony.  I was reading the Judicial Affidavit my lawyer gave me and it just brings back memory and I really don’t wanna go back there, but I guess I have to now, good thing I won’t be asked too many questions as my lawyer said “The judicial affidavit is your testimony in court. This is a new procedure in court proceedings replacing the old style of propounding questions to a witness and the witness answering in open court. You will, however, still be subject to cross-examination.”

I hope all goes well, I just want this over!

If I ever see your face to face again I ask you why so soon? And in your grand debut from death reborn again for life I pray – Prayer, Kapatid

I just have to post this! Heaven is rocking!